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The world is full of phrases which intend to idealize, comfort, and sanctify parents of children with disabilities or special needs. “God chooses special parents for special children,” “This angel already gave you a ticket to heaven,” “Only special parents have special needs kids,” and more. The reality is that the diagnosis of a child doesn’t make a parent special, at least not immediately. The diagnosis is just the beginning of a never-ending fight for equality if that is our goal as parents.
When we try to make parents of children with disabilities believe that they are “special” because they have a “special child”, we automatically reduce our expectations of them and their children. Let’s be honest, in the real world of parents of children with disabilities, we don’t label the ones that fight for inclusion and for equal rights as “special”. We don’t consider those who get angry, frustrated, and never give up to be “special”. Instead, we judge them, and we call them problematic, in denial, mad, and we tend to punish them with indifference. In other words, we discriminate “special” parents that are not “special” enough to fit the mold and be cute and angelical, as they are expected to be, considering their children are angels… or maybe not?
Society tends to reserve the “special parent” label to create a condescending approach to a life they don’t want. Again, as the parent of children with disabilities you hear phrases like these all the time, “you must be so special to do all that you do for your child,” “I don’t know if I could be a good parent for a child like yours,” “special parents have children forever. You are blessed.” The label seems to be nice initially, but when you think about it, it translates into something completely different. It feels like people look at you as though you’re carrying an eternal cross on your back. They don’t seem to realize it’s not a cross but a child. This child, like many others, has a unique personality and the ability to give love. With that love comes the same passion, strength, and inspiration that all children provide to their families as we deal with the incredible and not always easy responsibility to fulfill the individual needs of the child.
Every time I talk about the importance of avoiding these labels I witness how many people get upset and really want to stick to them. I understand the reason behind these behaviors because all of us have used these labels to transition to the next step at some point. We didn’t know any better. But as parents that now understand and have experienced the limitations of this kind of label, let’s help the new generation by speaking clearly about the challenges we’ve experienced, so they don’t need to stumble upon the same rocks we have fallen over time and time again.
Starting the path by understanding that you are not any more special than any other parent and that your child is not any more special than any other child will help you face life with clarity, with strength, and with faith in yourself and your child. This is not an easy task, and we are still evolving as a culture. There are going to be tough times in which your humanity, your vulnerability, and your ability to change the world will give you the strength to achieve everything your child needs to be treated with equal opportunities and be respected as a unique individual. The truth is, neither we nor our children need to be “special” to have the opportunities that everyone else deserves and are provided based on the label we all share: human beings.
